Letting go

Emerson should be napping. She's not. I don't know whether to blame the teething or the gutter man outside that decided afternoon nap time would be the perfect time to tackle the gutter above her window. I'm giving her a minute to see if she will decide that she is indeed still tired and put herself back to sleep. Wishful thinking. Enter frustration. I like a schedule. I like things to be predictable. I like to be in control. I love being a mom but I'm not sure any of these things go hand in hand with having a new baby. In reality they are almost opposites. I am not crazy scheduled, but for us it has worked to have a fairly predictable routine on most days. We still throw out the regimen for fun nights out or travel or pretty much anything where the pros outweigh the cons. That's how we decided to operate and E does really well with it. But I am learning. I am learning I am not in control. That there is no calculated formula that makes a nap last 2 1/2 hours vs an hour. That there are more uncontrolled variables than I would like to admit. And I am adjusting. I no longer bang my fist into my pillow (yes i did this) when E wakes up too early and I fear the whole day's schedule to be off. I am ok if she decides not to finish a bottle, we will work in the other ounces somewhere else. I am letting go. Letting go of the battle for perfection. Its doesn't have to be perfect. It has to work. If we have a healthy happy girl at the end of the day then I'm chalking that up as a success. I am type a, competitive to the core, and while there have been times these traits have served me well there have been just as many when they try and take me down. Emerson is growing. I am growing. The Lord is using her to teach me. To teach me about grace. About letting go. Turning it over. Because the battle to do, do, do only brings about defeat. And defeat is not from Him. And that's how a nap schedule yields to some serious self-reflection :)

And on a completely different note....anyone watching this ridiculous Bachelor. I have decided to DVR it so I am only wasting one hour of my life vs. the full two. ;) How's that for justifying?